Wedding Etiquette Shortcut

I had the pleasure in November to listen to Peggy Post speak at the ABC (Association of Bridal Consultants - see their website at www.bridalassn.org) Conference in San Jose. Etiquette is required knowledge (for me anyway, to advise my clients), but always seemed so overwhelming. And really old fashioned. Thanks to Peggy Post, I've gained a new admiration and appreciation for Emily Post and etiquette. Let it be known that Emily did not believe in keeping traditions for the sake of traditions. She believed that etiquette should adapt to changes in society and not vice versa. She proved this by updating her etiquette book over 9 times - she changed the rules and parameters of etiquette, she didn't force society to continue to follow the old rules.

Emily Post was completely opposite of what you'd imagine her to be. She was a young divorcee in the times people didn't divorce. She was a very accomplished writer when women didn't work. And was asked over and over by a publisher to write a book on etiquette. Emily's own friends had whispered into the publishers ear that she would be the perfect person to write such a book. But Emily continued to refuse - she did not want to preach to people about how they should behave. Out of desperation, the publisher sent Emily a copy of one of the top etiquette books at the time and Emily, so appalled at the book, finally agreed.

The key to etiquette is to know and pay attention to these principles: Honesty, Respect and Consideration. That's the best way to describe etiquette and the best way to follow it. Sure, reference your etiquette book for appropriate responses to different situations, which fork to use when, but in a bind, use the core principles and you'll be just fine. You may find in many cases that while you subscribe to these principles, others do not - that does not give you the right to drop them when dealing with that person. Be the bigger person, know that you're in the right. Etiquette, is, at the most fundamental, a way of preserving relationships and making others feel comfortable around you. I'll close this post with another story about Emily that portrays this belief best.

Honesty: Be honest to yourself and to others. Having to lie to someone is a red flag that either you've made a decision that was inconsiderate or that you are not being honest to yourself. As well, it's extremely disrespectful, not only to the one you've lied to, but also to yourself.

Respect: Be respectful of other's feelings, opinions and ideas. But, also respect your own. Being respectful does not mean you have to give in, but it does mean you may need to compromise. Respect is key in keeping and maintaining relationships.

Consideration: Be considerate of others and their feelings. There is a difference between being considerate and protective. If you lie to spare someone's feelings, you really aren't being considerate.

To see how this works, let's put these principles to work on some sample wedding situations.

BRIDESMAID? Your cousin Julie asked you to be a bridesmaid. You don't want Julie to be a bridesmaid in your wedding. That is ok. First, be honest with Julie. Explain why you have chosen others (not as opposed to her) to be in your wedding party. There are tough choices with planning a wedding and you should be respectful that Julie may be upset and she has that right. But also be respectful to yourself in making the choice of who you'd like to stand up with you. Meanwhile, be considerate of Julie's feelings and how important her participation in your wedding may be to her. You can ask her to help in other ways or, if you are truly concerned about damaging the relationship (and you don't want it damaged), you might decide to include her. Take note that you may not care that the relationship may be damaged. Not that you don't care about Julie, but you only speak to her on rare family get togethers, etc. If the relationship is damaged, it may not affect you enough to compromise. Keep in mind Julie should be applying the same principles - she should respect your honesty and be considerate of your desires and choices.

GIFT REGISTRATION ON INVITATION? This is a no-no and you know that, but perhaps you're asking because it makes it so much easier and you don't really understand why it's a no-no. That's where these principles come in. Let's assume you are not the bride, but a cousin of the bride and you receive an invitation in the mail. Let's further assume you make very little money. If you received an invitation with the gift registration information on it - wouldn't you feel a bit uncomfortable? Might you feel like if you wanted to go to the wedding you would have to purchase a gift? Might you even feel like you had to purchase a gift regardless of whether you could or wanted to go to the wedding? Even though it was not the bride's intent, her actions are inconsiderate and not respectful of her cousin's situation or feelings. The action implies that if you receive an invitation you must give a gift. If you are sending invitations, you should be sending them to people you would like to be there to help you celebrate regardless of whether they buy you a gift or not.

I've heard the argument about receiving unwanted gifts and I can truly sympathize. We've all received some things that we'd like very much to take back, but wouldn't know where to start. Know that THOSE gift givers should have applied the same principles: Honesty, Consideration and Respect. The proper response of those receiving your invitation and not knowing where you are registered is to call you or a mutual friend or family member and ask where the bride and groom are registered (honesty) and to be respectful of their choices in registration and considerate of the needs of the bride and groom by purchasing something off the registration. As a side note, make sure your registry has a broad selection and an even amount of different priced items. Many companies are satisfying the need for big priced items and a large selection of items and prices by offering the ability to make a purchase towards a larger item. You may have registered for a bedroom furniture set, where friends and family can make contributions, in whatever denomination they are able, to the purchase.


To close, as I mentioned above, Emily Post was really focused on making sure people always felt comfortable. The story Peggy offered, that best portrays this is as follows (hopefully I get it close enough): Emily, well after she had become famous for her etiquette books, was once lunching with a woman who, at the end of the meal made it a point to tell Emily that Emily had been eating off this woman's bread plate. Obviously this woman had missed the true essence of etiquette, otherwise, she would not have mentioned a thing. Embarrassing Emily and making her feel bad was worse etiquette than eating off the wrong plate! If the situation were reversed, Emily never would have mentioned it. What was important to Emily was not what fork you use, but that one is not made to feel bad for not using the proper one.

The core of etiquette is not the proper and formal how tos, but using etiquette to make people comfortable around you. Don't memorize the how tos, use honesty, respect and consideration as your guide and reference the etiquette book as needed.